Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Asheville, North Carolina

December 31st 2004

Beth was working in Garageband and making a song. We made a movie called Super teen about Superman as a teenager. I was Superman, she was my mom. I don't remember much. I remember the white DVD that I wrote the date on. My Uncle always wrote the dates on things so I suppose that's why I did it. We drove to Illinois. A month and a year ago you died. You weren't the first person I knew to go, but certainly the closest. Three years from December 31st 2004 everyone would go to bed, I would try to come up with some pseudo new years resolution. I scribbled something on paper about talking to a girl I liked or ridding myself of a bad habit. I took it and lit it on fire on the window sill of my room. Unsurprisingly the smoke detector went off. I slapped myself in the head trying to blow the smoke away, turning the fan on etc. Mom and Dad crept out and walked into my room. Dad led. He was furious, he knew what was up. Ella and Leslie crept up in the background. Mom was beside the situation, going with the lead, she was thinking, I think. The night settled embarrassed and the break with arift. I awoke to my Mother's voice blurted out to surprise me, scare me.
“I want you to know how it feels to be woken up like that. It's scary.” These words aren't exact.
Your Dad and my Mom were going to your ex-boyfriend's apartment to pickup your stuff for you.
My mom was livid, she set the situation out.
“I'm going to go help him get his screwup of a child move out today.”
“I'm trying to teach you so that you don't end up like her.”
“But I'm not like her.”
“I'm doing this for your benefit, you should appreciate me doing this.”
I thought you had become irresponsible too though, by that time you weren't going to college.
We didn't talk, you were on your own and didn't come visit with your Dad as much. I remember my Mom telling me your dad had gone to visit you and your crappy boyfriend, almost like they were making amends, despite no huge falling out. Time rather than a fight. Mom showed us the picture. You looked like a small boy. I guess I'm trying to convey that if you were still alive, we probably still wouldn't be that close. You might still live in Evansville, maybe married. You might be considering adoption or considering pregnancy saving up with a good man to keep you on your toes to actually save this time.
I guess we weren't close in the end. We were kids together and you were an older sister, I think a lot of us can say that without offense to your real sister. We all loved you the same way, for the same reasons. I was writing this before I was tying this and something was in the air. I sneezed so hard it all came out and I was balling my eyes out like the day after you died.
That happens you know, I feel like when I scratch the surface again and again it just floods, but each time I have to add another memory, and there are only so many. I miss you and it burns each time I really look at your face like I did on November 22nd, but then I think of December 31st 3004 and then I think of December 31st 2010 and I'm a good man Kim.

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